Anxiety & What (Imaginary) People Think

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That’s me wearing the vest I tailored from a thrift store denim jacket, & most of the patches are made from an old shirt and paint.

I’ll level with you, I hate pictures of myself.

I take a selfie or someone takes a picture of me and I look at it and say, “that’s not me.” It’s not that I necessarily dislike the picture, it just looks wrong. What I see is not what I picture when I think of myself. A tiny part of it is stuff like my weight, but the bigger part of it is self-esteem laced with anxiety. My smile doesn’t look sincere, or I look completely uncomfortable despite feeling fine.

I know my self-esteem needs work, but I also know I’ve come a LONG way from the meek, scared, don’t rock the boat girl from small town Nova Scotia. Attitude wise I’m better, yet every picture I still see that side of myself and I haven’t been able to fix it. How can I make the outside look like the inside?

I’ve tried different things. Dressing more formally? Weird. Less feminine? I hit a combination masculine and feminine that I liked, but I worried that others thought it too masculine or too immature. Then, was I punk enough? Just like when I was scared to admit I was fangirling over Blink-182, these imaginary people (fueled mostly by my anxiety, the media and people criticizing new fans) whose opinions apparently mean so much to me, were holding me back.

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Start the Music! Podcast – Overdue Intro & Liner Notes

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Hey! Did you know I do a biweekly music podcast called Start the Music! that plays music from all different genres as well as interviews?

One of my reasons for starting a music podcast was to have the opportunity to talk to different people in different aspects of the music industry. Plenty of podcasts interview the musical acts, but I wanted to also talk to the people in the industry who support and help to create the music and who are often overlooked. (I interview bands, too!)

With twenty-four episodes already released (March ’18) and it’s 1st birthday rapidly approaching, there’s something for everyone. Consider this part of the liner notes for the podcast.

Where do I start?

  • Doctor Who fan? I talked to Doctor Who composer Dominic Glynn on episode 12.
  • Fancy yourself a photographer? You need to hear episode 8 about tour photography.
  • What does a sound engineer do? Check out episode 10.
  • Maybe you’re curious what it was like spending time with Green Day & filming while they created their album American Idiot, then listen to episode 18.
  • An interview with the first openly gay rock band? That’s episode 20.

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Product Review: BASKETCASE Eyeliner

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Some people asked me to let them know how the Basketcase eyeliner was. I started writing this as a facebook post and then it got away from me and became a full-on blog post. I tried the eyeliner out Saturday just for fun since I knew I didn’t have to be anywhere and then wore it to work today. No pictures because I’m still awful at applying makeup, even anti-precision black eye makeup.

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Good & Less Than Good Review

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Book Review: NOFX – Hepatitis Bathtub & Other Stories

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From back of tub: Melvin, El Hefe, Smelly and Fat Mike

NOFX – Hepatitis Bathtub & Other Stories (goodreads)
Paperback: 368 pages
Publisher: Da Capo Press (April 12 2016)
Amazon.ca | Amazon.com

In April 2016 when this book first came out in Canada I knew the name NOFX, but I knew nothing about them. I didn’t even know who was who on the book cover. NOFX were in the same realm as Rancid, Bad Religion and Misfits, bands lots of people talk about so I know OF them, but I couldn’t name any of their songs*. I trusted the people tweeting about it, who said it was, to use just a few words: amazing, crude, disturbing, disgusting, eye-opening and wonderfully vile. Those are things I like in my books! So I put it on hold at the local library** and thought OK, I’ll learn about them this way. I also turned to Spotify to see what this over 30 year old band was all about musically. Spotify has a fantastic playlist out called “This is NOFX,” I highly recommend it.

Word of advice: Some bands should not be listened to chronologically. Sometimes you should start with the really popular songs and then work backwards. They are usually popular for a reason. I didn’t like their super early stuff at first.

Before I get into the meat of the review I will tell you two things upfront:
1. The book is all those things mentioned previously and then some.
2. I returned the library copy and now I own both the book and the audiobook (and most of their albums…) That should tell you right away that I enjoyed it.

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Writing & Not Feeling Qualified

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing recently. Possibly it’s because of NaNaWriMo, maybe because my coworkers have been asking how my novel has been coming along. They’re excited about it.  I’m too ashamed to tell them that I haven’t looked at it in 3 months, even though I think about the main character, Sydney, every time I listen to a punk song. So, I asked myself, “I love this character, why am I not writing her story?”

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More than that, there’s something about the process that has made writing difficult lately. The act of showing my thoughts to the world and what may come back to me isn’t that frightening. I don’t usually start out to open a dialogue between myself and the reader. I write just to get the words out of my head. At least once a day I compose an essay style piece in my brain around a topic that I’ve been mulling over. It’s one way I process things I’m currently obsessing over and if they have substance I want to share them. They very rarely, if ever, make it down on paper. Why?

I’ve determined it’s a mix of confidence and feeling like I shouldn’t have an opinion on certain topics (music & improv are the big ones). I still need to get the words out, but there’s actual fear holding me back from publishing it. After all, don’t you need experience to write about stuff? I read that on the internet somewhere. I mean, I’m only taking improv classes, what do I know? I’ve only listened to punk music for a couple years. Apparently two years ago today I talked about my first punk mixtape on this blog. Sure, when I find a band I like I try to jam 10+ years worth of being a fan into two months, but I still didn’t know them before. 

When I type this out it’s so silly sounding, but it’s exactly the way I think!

It’s not just essays. These feelings also exist in my fiction. Continue reading

These Are a Few of My Happy Things…

Disclaimer: I get that now maybe isn’t a good time to come out and say, “look at all these happy things!” but there never will be a good time. I hope they bring a little joy to others.

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One of the things I love about being on Verity! Podcast is the inclusion of our “happy things” section we start each full episode with. I may moan about finding a happy thing some weeks, but it is nice to see what is going on in the world of Doctor Who that has my co-hosts excited.

Of course, Doctor Who isn’t my only love and as a proud multi-fandom lovin’ person I thought it might be nice to devote a blog post here and there to talk about things I’m excited about in different fandoms. Read on for Supernatural, Walking Dead, superheroes (SPIDEYPOOL!), music, young Peter Capaldi, and more.

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Fangirling: A Review of Frank Turner & the Sleeping Souls

March 6th I went to a concert. Now, I’ve gone to concerts before, it’s what differentiated this concert to all the other ones before that has stuck with me. It’s the reason I’m writing about it on this blog. It’s revitalized my perspective on fandom. If I wax a bit nostalgic about this experience it’s because it has imprinted itself in my memory just enough to make me wonder if it was actually a dream. So, here’s a retelling of that experience and some very interesting things that I’ve learned because of it. All the videos and pictures that I included are credited to their owners. Crowdalbum was a huge help in re-living the concert.

I bought tickets last year, as soon as they were available, to see Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls. Frank Turner’s music had played a big part in getting me through a rough period of time in my life. Hell, he’s the only person to which I’ve ever written a “fan letter” and he wrote back! At the time I purchased the tickets I hadn’t asked anyone to come with me so I just bought one for myself. I’ve never gone to a concert alone, but I figured I could find someone in five months. At some point I heard that they had sold out the venue (I misheard, there were still tickets available at the door) so I gave up finding someone to go with me. At first, I hoped I could work up the nerve to go by myself. That nerve didn’t seem to come. The day before and the day of I really considered not going. The tickets were less than $30, so chickening out wouldn’t cost me too much and I had to work the next day. (I know, I know. Excuses, excuses) More than one person told me that not going was a stupid idea and to just go. They said that I would regret not going.

I showed up at Union Hall about 5:45pm assuming there would be a line already forming to get in when doors opened at 7:00pm. The last concert I went to at the same venue there was a fair size line an hour before. This time there was only one person. She had been there since 4:30pm making sure she could get a spot at the barricades, front row center. A year ago I would have shut up and sat there, in silence until she said something. Instead, we made small talk almost right away; talking in line at conventions gave me some confidence and the conversation helped us ignore the cold and rain.

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